First off, this is not a product or a cafe review.
Secondly, this is a blog post that may inspire people to feel good about themselves.
Since I am 20, let me walk you through my life as a teenager.
I was ostracized for many things since I entered Secondary School. Ostracized because of the way my name was close enough to ‘Asthma’ or ‘Ass-ma’, the way I ran, how slow I was, the tone of my voice, the way I spoke and most definitely my height and weight. Intentionally or unintentionally, even people who I call friends have hurt me. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt because it did at one point of time.
Eventually, I got over it.
All those things that I was made fun of for, caused me to have really low self-esteem. I let those comments from other people get to me. I always would look down on myself even if I gave my best for something. I always never thought I was good enough at anything. Be it studies, managing my social life or my family relations.
I was always an angry teenager during my secondary school. I would go home feeling hurt, trying to understand why was I not amazing like the others. Even the slightest comment from my parents of how I didn’t do something right would tick me off. I am not proud of it, but that’s who I was.
I thought all the exclusion from society would be over after I entered the first year of polytechnic education. You know what, that’s when it got worse. It wasn’t my friends who were pointing out how fat I was or how my face was plagued with acne. It was my relatives this time. After I went into a polytechnic, i had gained not 1 or 2 kg, but, I gained 10 kg. What was the worst was that people even thought I was my brother’s older sister. (Oh please la, he looks older).
My relatives started giving tips on how I could improve the acne on my face and how I could lose weight. One of my aunts went out of the way to say the following: “If you are fat, not many men would want to marry you. Men look for thin girls.” Pshaw, like I care. No offense to any male readers, I am just quoting what was said to me.
Sure they were trying to help me. “Why aren’t you not accepting of criticism, Muna? “ You may ask. It just that I heard the same things over and over again. I heard all of those things so much that I believed that not only was I, fat but also ugly.
At the end August 2014, there was a turning point in my life where I chose to walk away from someone who was really dear to me. That affected me a lot, I ate a lot more and stuck my finger down throat to throw up. It felt good that I ate what I wanted but I could get rid of it afterwards. Of course, I couldn’t do it until everyone was asleep or was too busy to bother about me. Little did I know that it was the start of an eating disorder.
I also started seeing dermatologist for my skin, not just for my severe acne vulgaris. I hated my reflection on the mirror, face with never ending acne and all the chubbiness that came along with it.
Soon, I grew to hate myself. I started exercising like a monster everyday for 2 hours. By the end of November, I had lost 7 kg in total. I wasn’t satisfied, I still felt fat. Purging actually doesn’t really help.
In December 2014, my parents had gone for Umrah, I was left to stay with my brother and sister in law. I drowned myself in my CCA sub committee duties, working out and reduced my intake of food to just one meal. I barely ate and I mostly left my house at sun rise and came back home late. I would always decline my brother’s offer to buy food for me to have dinner. I wasn’t myself, I was just an obsessed freak about my weight.
When my parents came back, my dad hugged me and went, “Wow, did you lose weight?” Just in December (about 3 weeks), I lost about 7 kg because there was no one watching me eat or how much I ate. I would lie that I ate something but really, would have just drank water.
My parents started noticing my new eating habits. They were worried. We had a chat and I promised to see a doctor alone since I was 18 and like an adult. “Your parents just let you do that?” Yes they do, I have been pretty much independent since 10 for most things.
I didn’t stop there, I went on and by February 2015, I had lost another 11 kg. This is evident in the picture of me here: https://www.instagram.com/p/-BrVxLws1T/?taken-by=shh_its_me_muna
I weighed 50 kg. I wasn’t happy though I was about hit underweight. My parents, friends and everyone well noticed it. This time I really went to see a doctor. I am not gonna share the details of it but it took me awhile to stop doing what I was doing to myself.
Slowly, I grew comfortable of myself and gained 5 kg not fats but muscles. Since then, I kinda maintained my weight as the same somehow. Then June came, I still didn’t love myself that much. One of those days, I was talking to my friends about insecurities days before my birthday. On my birthday, her wish for me was to grow to love myself.
I can honestly say today as an adult, I love myself. I truly do.
Somewhere over the past year, I stopped caring if people called me skinny or ugly or too muscular (Yes, I have heard that cos of my arms). People eventually stopped giving me advice for my pimples as well because I would just say, “I am seeing a doctor now.” TAKE THAT!
I fell in love with myself. No more spite for myself. I believe I am beautiful inside out not matter what people say.
Moral of the story: People can say or think what they want, don’t take what they say to face value. In the end, what matters is what you think of yourself. Learn to fall in love yourself first before anything else.
Here’s a song:
If I can’t love myself, I don’t need anybody else. This is like my power song since last year?
Lastly, you should only be validated by yourself.
Before I sign off, here are pictures from my 20th birthday.