My Biggest Fear is my strength

Hi,

Have you all got fears? I’m sure you do. While you go…

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But it is the truth, everyone does have their fears whether they realise its presence or not. Some are denial with it, some have chosen to accept it and move on with life. Meanwhile, some of them know of its presence and yet do nothing about it to fix it.

Well… I fall in between the second and the third category. It’s kinda sucky.

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Wanna know what’s my biggest fear? Love.

 

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My thoughts exactly, Love is like a cage to me, a nightmare.

Like anything to do with it. This is the truth, though, I’m afraid of loving the people near me and people loving me a lot. Don’t worry, I am not Philo phobic. This is only because I have lost a lot of people I loved over the past two decades. Each parting with my loved one has been indelibly etched into my mind. So a part of me is afraid of letting people know me, care for me and love me and then just disappearing out of my life.I know parting is inevitable but… it’s my fear, what you want me to do? 😩

I distanced myself from people a lot, kept many secrets.

Example: I told my bestie one of my biggest secrets and she was like what, how could you not tell me.

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Then there is this whole other issue of me learning to love myself again. This is long story: Love yourself FIRST (in case you haven’t read it)

This is exactly why I’m very cautious of what I share at times. I share only the happy aspects of my life to people. To those who are closer, you’ll get to know more. Frankly, even my besties only know 75% of my life.

Worst of all, I’m afraid of falling in love. This is true, my best friends can vouch for me.

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BUT YOU SHIP PEOPLE! You are lying, Muna!

Yes, I ship Hanna and Caleb so much but you know the love is only on screen and they are actually great friends in real life? SO THE CHEMISTRY ON SCREEN IS NOT REAL LOVE. PERIOD. yeah, I can separate dramas from real life, quite efficiently. This is why I ship stuff I guess, simply put.

Love may be my fear but how is it my strength as well?

#1 I don’t expect things from people

Well, for starters, I don’t really rely on people to look out or care for me. It is suffocating to me. Some of my relatives like to check up on me when something major happens and sometimes, I would lash out cos I know to me, it’s not a big deal but to them, it is. I can handle it because of the way I spent my childhood alright.

#2 Independence

This is very true because I started to believe that I’m the one who is gonna be there until the end of my life on Earth. This very thought has made me ‘build more walls’ as F would call it. I’m not going to rely on the people I love and care for to push me to live my life or get me to be happy.

The only person who can do that is me. But trust me, I do have my worst days still nevertheless and these days, I actually turn to people cos it is comforting at times.

#3 Self Love

This is a KEY factor because there’s a point in my life where I was just happy with being told how much I was loved, it was sufficient. Until reality hit me and the person was taken away from me by God. When that happened, my fear got worst and I didn’t love myself, I distanced myself. I didn’t feel loved or like I could love anyone anymore.

But you know distancing myself was the best I could do, it helped me find myself again, through all the weight loss shit and everything, I did find myself and I couldn’t love myself anymore than I do right now. If you look at my twitter feed in the last 1 year, never have I said I hated myself. So my fear helped me love myself again.

Oh the irony.

I feel that 3 reasons speak for themselves.

This is how my biggest fear of love has strengthened me as a person. But thanks to the people around me, I have acknowledged it and you keep me working at it and telling me it’s fine that I have this fear.

And a special shout out to those people: Am, Y and Z who are there for my freak outs on how much I care about some people or my crushes (I AM HUMAN, I do have crushes sometimes). I have like the biggest freak outs over such issues. THEY KNOW. ahaha.

Thank you for reading, sorry if I bored you and it wasn’t what you were expecting after a month of hiatus. I’ll see you all next month because I have my finals coming up 😩

Until then,

Muna xoxo